you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
