SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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