my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
