I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
