So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
