It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize