yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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