Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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