PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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