Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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