Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
nutella sex= disaster
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
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