Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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