Can i not drive my cunt home
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
