his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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