I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize