Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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