i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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