i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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