I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I want her autograph on my taint
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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