my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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