Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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