If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
