even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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