Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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