How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
