She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize