Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
