woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
