I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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