Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
