yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
