There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
