She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
