was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
We smell like vodka and hangover
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