This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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