You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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