His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
