I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
