benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
