i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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