I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
