FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
How external is "for external use only"?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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