just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
