At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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