Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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