My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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