Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
