I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
