yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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