I'd wear matching sweaters with you
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
