i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
