my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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