My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
