Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
