Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
