Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
