What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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