just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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