well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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