Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
