TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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