I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
