just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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