...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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