I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
