I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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